Ridiculous Fees We’d Be Scared to See

In lieu of a typical April Fool’s “gotcha” blog, we figured we’d do away with the suspense. Here are some fees we’d be scared to see:

• Delta: Following its merger with Northwest, Delta is now the world’s biggest airline, capable of bullying the competition thanks to its sheer size. Therefore, Delta will now be charging you a fee whenever you fly with any other airline.
• Frontier: Last year, Frontier announced an increased fee for bringing antlers onboard. However, the airline didn’t address the issue of passengers bringing entire elk onboard, which, needless to say, causes problems each time it happens. I would suggest Frontier require passengers to buy an extra seat for the elk, because it certainly isn’t fitting in the overhead.
• JetBlue: $8 fee to enter the Terra Chip-eating tournament. How many of JetBlue’s distinctive blue potato chips can you eat in five minutes? Do you really want to know the answer?
• Spirit: Instead of a fee, Spirit should just install carnival games at its gates—you know, the kind where you plunk down $2 because your child wants the big pink teddy bear. No one ever wins those, and anyway, if you do, you get a giant stuffed animal that, of course, won’t fit in the overhead and must be checked—to the tune of $25.
• Southwest: Southwest is proud of its lack of fees. But fees are necessary to stay competitive these days, so the airline will be adding a $20 “Fees Don’t Fly With Us” fee to keep the airline fee-free, as well as a $15 “whiner charge” assessed to anyone who points out the obvious hypocrisy inherent in its new fee.
• United: In a uniquely honest move, expressing what is clearly on the minds of airlines everywhere, United could implement a $25 “Look, we need money, OK?” fee, which is pretty self-explanatory.
• US Airways: After flip-flopping on its beverage fee, US Airways could start collecting a “thank you for making up your mind and ditching the two-dollar water” fee.
• Virgin America: A $25 “cool fee.” Because the airline is that cool, and you’re lucky just to be seen together. Just like in high school!

Please feel free to submit your own ridiculous airline fee below. But be careful … you never know how desperate the airlines will get. And to keep up with the airlines’ real fees, check our Ultimate Guide to Airline Fees. Happy April Fool’s Day!